The Square Peg

Embracing the mojo because cutting
corners seemed counter-productive.

9/06/2009

Rejecting apathy

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It's interesting how people attempt to mask their pain. Many display their hurt in the form of loud, bitter, or harsh anger. But sometimes hurt manifests itself in a different way.

When my feelings get hurt it's almost always because I feel personally rejected in some way. And apathy is the mask I'm tempted to wear to cover those hurt feelings because it seems easier to try not to care than to confront and work through them. Whereas anger is often passionate, apathy is passive. I'm not a passive person by any stretch, and "passionate" is the word consistently used to describe me by people who know me really well. Therefore it's interesting to me that when I'm hurt, I have a tendency to lean toward passivity and basically 'go gray'. 

The area where I'm most likely to feel rejected in life is with regard to my relationships. This is probably because I've always had a keen appreciation for friendships and have never taken a person's presence in my life for granted. Due to my being a military brat who married an Air Force guy, my whole life has consisted of moving to a new place, meeting new people, forming friendships and moving away. So when I feel that someone doesn't place the same value on our friendship that I do, I feel rejected. And it is here that I find myself depressed and tempted to become apathetic toward people in order to avoid those same feelings in the future.

But passion can only lie dormant for so long. That's what makes it a passion. It's also what makes me...well, me. I can't not care about people for very long. I tried. I discovered I was more miserable expending the energy it took to remain apathetic than to work through hurt feelings. Being passionate is just easier, despite the fact that it makes me feel more vulnerable. So I'll find a way to embrace the vulnerability in order to preserve my passionate nature. And I'll reject apathy. I'll resist the temptation to wander through the gray into the darkness. I'll forge through the lighter shades of gray until I reach the light.

So basically I'm saying I'm passionate about not being apathetic. LOL Yet another facet of the square peg's mojo I'm learning to embrace.

Long live the Altoid! =)

3 comments:

Simple Home said...

You are very good at writing Eva, and this made me think. I realize I'm the opposite when it comes to friendships, and I probably do just take it for granted that the friendship will remain. I don't think much about rejection, but I grew up so differently than you that I'm sure that's part of it. I never moved growing up. I'm still friends with people from childhood. The friend I started kindergarten with (we have a picture from our first day of school) just called the other day. Catching up is always just like old times. I think I'm apathetic instead of passionate when it comes to friendship. I just never thought about it. Thanks for making me think :-)
Marcia

September 7, 2009 at 5:59 PM  
Lori Watson said...

"It's also what makes me...well, me. I can't not care about people for very long. I tried. I discovered I was more miserable expending the energy it took to remain apathetic than to work through hurt feelings. Being passionate is just easier, despite the fact that it makes me feel more vulnerable."

I'm there with you. Last year my personal circle of friends decided to leave the church mostly because my husband is not structured enough for them (ie. they want church to get out at a certain time and each portion of service to have time constraints. He just doesn't work that way or feel he should change that!). I tried very hard to be apathetic towards other friendships, it didn't seem worth the potential betrayal and damage down the road. Not possible for me either though and thankfully I had a couple of friends who recognized my withdrawal and wouldn't allow it. Now those are good friends.

I still struggle with the trust issues and vulnerability sometime but I agree, it's impossible to not be who you are and part of that, for both of us apparently, is being passionate about people!

Even though they suck sometimes. ;-)

September 10, 2009 at 5:05 PM  
Chris said...

I too, am an A.F. brat, and wonder sometimes If that's part of my weirdness. We moved every few years (Marcia's lifelong childhood friendships pop up on my radar, and I wonder what that would be like.), and I'm a little socially handicapped, I make friends slow. I seem to chameleon for short occasions well, you would think I'm normal (or not...perhaps I lie to myself) but even when I like someone a great deal, I'm kinda bad about keeping in touch.

September 12, 2009 at 8:30 AM  

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