The Square Peg

I was talking with a friend recently who was telling me about a confusing situation she had with an acquaintance. Basically, my friend met someone at a conference who turned out to be one of her neighbors. They hit it off big time at the conference and my friend thought she had just entered a new friendship. But ever since the conference, her neighbor hasn't done anything to keep the door to the relationship open. She hasn't closed it, but it seems she only wants to play it 'safe' by communicating on social networks rather than in person.

My friend knew some of the neighbor's background and said her neighbor was still nursing a wound from a previous relationship that left her shattered, confused, and numb. My friend and I ended our discussion on this topic by concluding that some people (like her neighbor) only expose themselves to others to a certain degree and then pull back in order to avoid further rejection.

Have you ever done this? I have. I've warmed up to people only to later stop them from getting too close because I was afraid they wouldn't like me after they got to know me better. Or because someone else rejected me and I wanted to avoid the same thing from happening again.

Even although we've successfully avoided rejection, haven't we also avoided intimacy? And while playing it safe avoids potential pain and vulnerability, intimacy can't be substituted with anything else. One of the advantages of having intimate friendships is that we have a soft place to fall. And where would we be without those when we're in the depths of despair or just want somebody to shoot straight with us when we need advice? Yes, someone may hurt us if we put ourselves out there. In fact, sooner or later, someone will hurt or disappoint us. But even that brings a new opportunity for us to experience growth. And isn't that what we ultimately want: to grow and move forward rather than stagnating all alone?