It's interesting how people attempt to mask their pain. Many display their hurt in the form of loud, bitter, or harsh anger. But sometimes hurt manifests itself in a different way.
When my feelings get hurt it's almost always because I feel personally rejected in some way. And apathy is the mask I'm tempted to wear to cover those hurt feelings because it seems easier to try not to care than to confront and work through them. Whereas anger is often passionate, apathy is passive. I'm not a passive person by any stretch, and "passionate" is the word consistently used to describe me by people who know me really well. Therefore it's interesting to me that when I'm hurt, I have a tendency to lean toward passivity and basically 'go gray'.
The area where I'm most likely to feel rejected in life is with regard to my relationships. This is probably because I've always had a keen appreciation for friendships and have never taken a person's presence in my life for granted. Due to my being a military brat who married an Air Force guy, my whole life has consisted of moving to a new place, meeting new people, forming friendships and moving away. So when I feel that someone doesn't place the same value on our friendship that I do, I feel rejected. And it is here that I find myself depressed and tempted to become apathetic toward people in order to avoid those same feelings in the future.
But passion can only lie dormant for so long. That's what makes it a passion. It's also what makes me...well, me. I can't not care about people for very long. I tried. I discovered I was more miserable expending the energy it took to remain apathetic than to work through hurt feelings. Being passionate is just easier, despite the fact that it makes me feel more vulnerable. So I'll find a way to embrace the vulnerability in order to preserve my passionate nature. And I'll reject apathy. I'll resist the temptation to wander through the gray into the darkness. I'll forge through the lighter shades of gray until I reach the light.
So basically I'm saying I'm passionate about not being apathetic. LOL Yet another facet of the square peg's mojo I'm learning to embrace.
Long live the Altoid! =)
One day it hit me: my personality is like an ALTOID®. I wish I could say I’m one of the milder flavors but that’d be a lie. I’m the original; too intense for some people, and small doses may be necessary to avoid feeling overwhelmed. Other people know the instant they taste the flavor they like it and want more.
It used to bother me that I was like this. I tried being another way…you know, palatable, pleasant, and mellow. But after I’m around people who are like that, I find myself itching for some flavor. Something with some kick. And I began to embrace the ALTOID® within.
Altoid® used with permission
© The Square Peg Mojo 2009
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my never-ending battle
My 411
- Eva M.
- After struggling to fit into the proverbial round hole, I figured it was more honest to embrace the natural facets of my personality: passion for God and people, off-the-wall logic and a twisted sense of humor.
I'm an Air Force wife and former homeschool mom who writes about people and relationships, my faith, and my family. I love my crazy, beautiful, mosaic life...and coffee.